using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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