Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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