you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
