Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
