You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
