Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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