I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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