You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
