How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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