my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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