I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Bring me that man meat
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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