My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.