I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?