I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
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he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
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I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.