My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
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I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
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Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?