i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
