So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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