Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
