Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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