Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
