You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
