Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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