UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
