I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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