I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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