Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
