i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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