apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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