i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
