The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
