bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
