Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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