Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
