I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
