You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
