i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
