Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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