I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
