if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
