walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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