You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
