if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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