Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
