All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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