your thong is hanging out like whoa
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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