Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
