Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
