I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
