Kiss
Puke
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
