The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
