I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
