Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
