Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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