i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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