I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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