i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is my gift to your gina
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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