I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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