The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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