There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
