Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
