when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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