ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
