phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize