She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
