So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
