R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
