guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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